Regret

The other day my Dad sent me a picture of my future step-brother-in-law's college graduation. We went to the same school, but I missed my ceremony because I was driving back from my last semester at the Los Angeles Film Studies Center. I didn't really get too involved in my college, having gone to another one my freshman year and also being a commuter, so I didn't feel terribly connected to the school. However, seeing the picture made me ask myself, Did I regret anything about my college experience? Would I have done something differently?

I think regret can be a dangerous thing. I remember having a friend in high school tell me he never regretted a single decision he made. How he could go through life not wanting to do anything differently? Even at this young age, I felt I would have liked to have done some things over again. It has taken several years, but I am only recently understanding the wisdom in his statement.

Still, I reflected for a moment, and couldn't really think of something I would have liked to have done more -- at least enough to alter what had actually taken place in my life. I was really blessed in college, despite working for most of it and not really investing in my school. I got to study film, worked at a local television station, made a feature film with a friend of mine and ultimately ended up in Los Angeles. My school also led to me meeting my wife, which of course means I wouldn't have changed anything.

I did decide, however, that I wish I would have hung around on campus more. I spent most of my college driving to class, going to class, and then either eating/sleeping in my car or driving back home or to work. Most of my friends were from the first college I went to, so I stuck with them, which didn't make my actual college all that fun to attend. Still, take the good with the bad and learn from mistakes I guess. That's all we can really do with regret anyway, right? Learn from the mistakes and press on, a little wiser than before, but without that nagging feeling that living in the past can leave behind.

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Sleep When You're Dead

I used to say that often -- "You can sleep when you're dead." It was my "carpe diem" of sorts. I had just graduated college and came through a pretty rough summer with no job and only a couple friends in town. Towards the end I made some new ones and got a job (Blockbuster Video, every 2008 graduate's dream job), and as late night freedom came about, I adopted the saying as my own.

Now, ten years later with two kids in my life, "You can sleep when you're dead" has taken on new meaning. Lately, I'm thinking I won't be able to sleep until I'm dead...

If you read this blog, you know I've written often about the struggles of maintaining any kind of sleep schedule with young children. Of course the hope is that, as they get older, they'll sleep more. I'm finding this is only partly true. They sleep pretty well most nights, but I sure don't. In fact, I think I'm only averaging about one night a week of uninterrupted sleep. During the other six, someone is coughing so I get up to check on them, or wakes up to go potty and needs help. Last night Ellie wet the bed, which is a whole two-person ordeal to get her clean, as well as change the sheets.

Sleep when you can. (2014)

The whole thing has me just not feeling well, and I'm getting sick and tired of it (literally). I'm at a bit of an extreme version of this spectrum right now, having stayed up until 2AM last Friday for a friend's birthday karaoke party, planning on sleeping in the following morning. However, the kids got up at 6:30AM to use the bathroom, and I just couldn't go back to sleep after they woke me up. This early wake up and not being able to shut my brain off is becoming a trend, and the result is sickness and lethargy.

I can't say I have a solution to this problem, wrapping up my complaints with a life lesson like I usually try to do in this blog. This one is more about writing what I'm going through as I sit sipping coffee in a laundromat washing peed on sheets looking forward to a potential moment when I get to take a glorious nap.

Maybe that's the takeaway -- live moment to moment, just trying to make it through the current problem until you can get to the next little victory or time of rest. I can deal with that.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

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Thoughts on Punk and Ska

Growing up, my favorite band was Five Iron Frenzy. Their EP, Quantity is Job 1 was one of the first albums I ever bought, and still is one of my favorites, especially from FIF. Never heard of them, you say? Congratulations -- you're normal! Five Iron Frenzy, along with the O.C. Supertones, the Insyderz, Bunch of Believers (B.O.B.), The Dingees and a few others were part of the 90s ska movement, but on the Christian record labels. Back then, Christian music is all I listened to, and so these guys were some of my favorites.

Later on, my good friend Korey introduced me to all the secular punk and ska I had missed during that time period -- Goldfinger, Lagwagon, Save Ferris, Rancid, and others -- and though I was a late-bloomer, it's all good stuff. Well, a couple weekends ago, Korey and I were lucky enough to attend the Back to the Beach Festival, which featured so many of the bands from that era, a modest $65 ticket felt a little like stealing.

I love music festivals. One of them changed my life forever. Though not life-changing, Back to the Beach was one for the record books. And luckily for you, I had some thoughts and realizations about the genre that I felt compelled to share. If you don't care about that, then you can stop reading now. (Punk rock!)

Streetlight Manifesto, my favorite from the day

First up was Save Ferris. Actually, there were two bands in front of them that we missed because we wanted to try out a hippie vegan restaurant beforehand (more on that later); plus we're kind of old and standing up for 7-8 hours already seemed like a lot without seeing two bands we hadn't heard of. I don't have a lot of comments here, except that it was a pretty good show, but not very child friendly. There was a children zone at the festival, and a bunch of little punker kids running around with their parents, which I thought was cool. "Maybe next year I'll bring my kids," I told Korey, but after the first show, I was reminded that punk and ska are only kid-friendly when they're Christian bands.

And then I was proven wrong when The Aquabats! took the stage. I've never been a fan of their ridiculous, childlike ska music about pizza, pool parties and silly comedic tales. By the end of their show, however, everyone was dancing and having a good time, and so I moved them up a few notches in my book of band classifications.

Next was Streetlight Manifesto, my favorite of the day. Musically, they were amazingly talented, but you could feel their humility from the stage. Horn players are marginalized in about half of the ska bands out there, often set to the side or dancing in the back -- like most bands, it's usually about the lead singer. However, these guys lined up in a visually equal space and just played great song after great song, with gusto, talent and a passion that let us know they cared about the music. These guys are worth checking out if you get the chance.

Korey is way more punk than me

Afterwards was Reel Big Fish, another band I never really loved because their message is typically pretty negative -- case and point. They put on a good show though, but it wasn't my favorite. Goldfinger followed and was similar, though they lined the set with special guests that made it totally worth watching. The lead singer of 311 joined for their hit "Amber." The lead singer of Sublime with Rome showed up for "Date Rape." The lead singer of English Beat (apparently credited with bringing two-tone ska to the US) played one of their hits. The lead singer of Save Ferris, a horn player of Reel Big Fish, the bass player/singer of MxPx (one of my favorites), and singer of some other band I have heard of but can't remember the name (and Wikipedia isn't helping me figure out who it is), also joined them. Anyway, it was a great show, but still kind of negative and vulgar. Oh well, such is punk...

And finally was Blink-182, who I had never seen. Thankfully, they played their entire album Enema of the State, which was the one I listened to the most in middle school. That's an understatement -- it was in my CD player non-stop for the better part of a year. To be honest, however, they were my least favorite show! That humility that Streetlight Manifesto brought? Didn't really pick up on it from Blink-182. It was more of a, "We made our money and now we're just playing shows sometimes to probably make a little more money," attitude. The show was okay, pretty entertaining, though I was impressed that a three-piece could command such a stage presence.

I kept asking myself why these guys had made it so big though, and I think I figured out at least a piece of it: they captured the cynical angst that many teenagers felt in the early-2000s. It's music for kids who sort of fit in, could get girls some of the time, but realized that all of the rigmarole of middle and high school is basically meaningless, which left them with a confused body of negative feelings that was medicated by a little cynical humor and some occasional intensity. I had friends like that, and maybe felt it myself, but believing in Jesus kind of brings you past most of that, so in hindsight, it's difficult to be a big fan. Of course, mine is a limited view of only a couple of their albums, so maybe they grew as a band. Personally I always preferred bands that went a little deeper, like Less Than Jake, that managed to capture a similar feeling, but transcend it with some truth as well.

Blink-182 can afford pyrotechnics

Overall, it was such a fun day with a cool dude on the beach. But as I processed everything, I discovered some generalizations about punk and ska I hadn't realized before. First, I think punk and ska are both a response to the typically negative point of view most teenagers feel in their angst and confusion at that age. Punks think, "The world sucks, so let's get mad and start a revolution!" Ska enthusiasts, however, think, "The world sucks, so let's just say 'screw it' and have some fun anyway." I always sided with ska and its happier tone, personally, which says something about me I think.

Second, a hearty vegan meal is excellent fuel for a music festival. We stood still, danced and moshed for about eight hours, followed by a couple mile walk for an easier Uber home, all without any sustenance except for water and a couple Rockstar drinks that they were handing out for free. Even then, we weren't terribly hungry, but hit a Taco Bell by the freeway to occupy our bellies for the moderately long ride home.

Last, all of these bands are kind of past their "glory days," so I saw the gambit of responses to that as well, from seemingly re-living the glory of it, to still being stoked on the music and presenting in the highest manner they could. The whole thing was a pretty good chance to examine something I loved in high school with fifteen more years of life experience, which is always fun. Since a lot of what I write about is hanging onto to things I loved back in my own "glory days" (skateboarding, surfing, punk music, Taco Bell), it felt appropriate to document this whole experience, whether or not you really wanted to read all of that. If you did, consider yourself a true fan. I'm not sure I would have even read this much about a bunch of bands no one has ever heard of...

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Puzzle Pieces

Today, Waverly was playing with puzzles. I mentioned earlier she is gaining an affinity for them, and I'm happy to say that, several months later, she is becoming quite good. (There's a proud father moment for you.) Anyway, today she pulled out a Minnie Mouse puzzle and started at it, but only with a few pieces out of the bag.

"Daddy, I need help!" she kept saying, trying to force together the three pieces she had pulled out.

"You need to dump all the pieces," I said more than once, which she promptly ignored...more than once.

And again, as in other seemingly mundane instances of fatherhood, something profound was illustrated before me. She couldn't make the puzzle work without all the pieces, and certainly not with only a few. Of course she couldn't!

Now imagine those pieces are excerpts of knowledge and experience -- maturity. How many of you, in your youth, said or did things you regret, having acted dogmatically on principles you thought were true about the world? Or maybe you weren't entirely wrong about your convictions, but just didn't have the whole picture yet, resulting in an embarrassing act, or possibly even a detrimental one?

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)

A friend brought up this verse in trying to illustrate this same point to me a few days ago, and he is spot-on. When we are acting on just a few "puzzle pieces," it takes time and experience -- maturity -- to gain the rest, to build the whole picture. And often times, once we get the whole picture together (or a more-complete view, because none of us sees "everything"), love is the overarching principle that brings it all together.

I'm not advocating for ignore principles, or neglecting to act on them, but rather beckoning us all to slow down in our processing. Humbly admit you don't know everything now (just as I don't know everything now, even writing this "advice" to you), and accept new information, even if it challenges what you believe is true. Maybe you are right, or maybe not. But living with this humility is a good first step in letting love permeate our steps.

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Nightmares and Dreams

Lately I've been scared to go street skating. It's mostly because of my age -- ramps don't hurt my knees as much as ledges and stairs do -- but also because of ability. Any skater will tell you he or she dreams of tricks at spots all the time. In fact, if you see a skater gazing longingly out the car window as you drive, it's probably because he or she noticed a good skate spot and is thinking of what he or she would want to do there. (That's a lot of "he or she," huh? I had a tough English teacher in college, so you'll like my grammar or deal with it!)

I was walking to a kid's birthday party with my family (talk about a Dad move...kids' birthday parties have dominated our lives lately), and noticed this great ledge-to-gap in front of an apartment building. But finding the time to get there and skate it was tough, and so I was left only to my dreams. Manuals to gap, flip tricks and combinations of the two floated through my head like the clouds that grace the sky. But then the day came when I actually had a couple hours to street skate, and so it was time to try it out. As my wife loaded the girls into the car to go see their uncle, though, anxiety hit me. Was I going to be able to do what I dreamt of, or would this be another depressing session, where the reality of my age and abilities slaps me in the face like skating headfirst into a brick wall?

Thoughts of ditching out also crept in, as I considered staying home to work on some music or rest a bit. But a good Sunday afternoon in California will beckon you outside like the ice cream truck's incessantly repetitive songs, and so I went for it.

FS 360 & kickflip

It's always a little awkward street skating when people are around, and for some reason I think everyone on the block was walking their dogs exactly when I decided to skate. Still, I waited, set up the camera, and then went to work. Tricks started coming easy. My shoes suck, so they slipped a little (but that's another piece -- good and bad equipment and its effect on your skating), but it was going well; a little better than I expected, to be honest.

As the smell of dog poop wafted through the warm afternoon air, I landed a frontside 180. The 360 felt natural, but I went for a few other things first, thinking maybe that was too difficult for the circumstances, as there were a row of cars parked only a few feet away from my landing -- a wayward board could cause some serious damage that I didn't want to pay for. But as I tried tricks, the 360 just felt natural, so I focused on it. And you know what? I landed it...sort of. I broke my board on the landing, but I did roll away, so that probably counts, right?

Memorial for a broken board.

With only a few cracks in the deck, I decided to go for a kickflip until the board snapped in two, which I also landed...sort of. My balance was off and the board flew away and into a car. Thankfully, it didn't leave a mark, so my conscious is clear. That was my cue to leave though, so I waved goodbye to the kids watching me from their apartment balcony, and walked to another spot, where I tried a cool little handplant wallride a few times until my board actually did snap.

The whole thing left me feeling pretty good, all things considered. I mostly landed two tricks I'm proud of, got some good falls on video, and broke a board, which I have been long overdue for. (I used to go through a deck every few months, but this one has been around for a couple years...shame on me.) So here's to broken boards and partially landed tricks! And the next time you are scared of your inadequacy, or that your dreams are too big for your body, remember that there is a 33 year-old out there skateboarding in places he shouldn't be, and maybe landing something worth sharing. But in success or failure, he at least has a smile on his face.

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