"Clouds"

I have a little series of videos titled Songs Written and Recorded in Cars. I actually write a majority of my songs in cars (or at least have done so the past five or six years), as the solace of the road has provided ample room for thought and melody to sweep through. Shooting these videos has been a bit of a slow process though.

The song I'm featuring here, "Clouds," is probably the first song I ever wrote in a car. I had just taken my dad to the airport, and was feeling noticeably sad and introspective. The same day, my girlfriend at the time (college) was going to drive home for the summer, and so I remarked at the idea of "losing" two loved ones in one day, even if just for a time.

As I was driving, however, I noticed dark storm clouds that lined the sky, but also the leftover moonlight and pending sunrise, working their way through and above as morning hit. Sunrises are beautiful, but even more so when there are clouds present, which sparked the idea of what makes our lives most beautiful. Is it only the good times, or also the unpleasant?

Our character is what we take with us when we die, and we tend to grow the most in adversity. Really, life is all about us growing and maturing, and then passing along what we learned for a hopefully open-eared generation. Seeing the clouds that morning reminded me that life's beauty is often seen most profoundly when blocked by something else; but that the object blocking is a huge part of what makes the picture more beautiful in the first place.

Hopefully this song reminds you and me to keep life in perspective, and when things aren't working out as we planned, to look to a God who is bigger than our problems, seeing that, ultimately, they are for our good.

LYRICS
Have you ever seen the moonlight in the morning
When all the while you are mourning
Because a loved one has gone away?
And did you notice how the moon behind the clouds is shining
Around the darkness, there's a lining
And you can almost see the rays piercing through?

Clouds make the skyline beautiful
When the light is still shining right beside you
Our souls become more colorful
When our problems aren't as big as our God

Have you ever seen in the same sky the colors brighten
And you can tell that the sun is rising
Even though a loved one has gone away?
And did you notice how the clouds paint the picture
Like they know how much you miss her
Even though they're stopping the rays from piercing through?

Clouds make the skyline beautiful
When the light is still shining right beside you
Our souls become more colorful
When our problems aren't as big as our God
Clouds make the skyline beautiful
When the wonder that I see shows He's looking out for me
Our souls become more colorful
When our problems aren't as big as our God




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Who You Say I Am

I was at my old church recently and they did a powerful rendition of "Who You Say I Am," shown in its original version below:

If you don't feel like watching the video, the lyrics to the bridge are what really prompted this blog post:

I am chosen Not forsaken I am who You say I am You are for me Not against me I am who You say I am

It was strange as they sang it, because my immediate response was an internal rejection of what I was hearing. How could I be who God says I am? I don't feel all that significant most days. And I don't. I live in a world where success means a big career that takes up all your time, is fueled by passion, and also pays super well. I have none of those things.

In case you're wondering what God does say about us, here are just a few:

“Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!” (Psalm 139:16-17.)

“Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”Matthew 10:29-31

“But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.” 1 Peter 2:9.

“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10. 

 “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”Revelation 21:3-4.

Those are all amazing things, right? To even think that the God of the universe would even consider us is pretty remarkable, if you let your mind go there. Reading Francis Chan will remind you of that -- he writes about it often. We need to be sensitive to the magnificence of God.

But in this world, in the my day-to-day, in Los Angeles, I don't feel all that worthwhile. And as I mentioned above, it largely ties into my professional status: Homemaker, Stay-at-home Dad. These things don't bring in financial worth to the household (outside of saving money on daycare, which is significant, I'll admit), and so I don't really feel all that valuable to society.

On top of that, my kids are going to be in school full-time in a year or two, which leaves me with what to do? I'm trying to make music a viable profession, but what a crazy idea that is! Still, faith and small successes carry me on as I press into the unknown.

The real investment.

Maybe the biggest problem is comparison. I have several friends that have chosen cool, creative and often lucrative careers or businesses, something to pour themselves into that is unique and interesting. They've devoted their professional lives to it and are seeing the results. I just feel so left behind. I want something like that to invest in, and though I have lots of things like that I love to do and have put a lot of time into (this blog for instance), none of it has provided much of a financial return. But why does money have to be the measure for success in the first place? Isn't the truest measure of success my own investment in my family? That's the choice I make every day as a husband and father, but it doesn't always alleviate the doubts that come with the western world I live in.

I think this is all a bigger issue than one blog post can manage, but I'll leave you with this: Maybe the reason I don't feel like I amount to much in the eyes of the world, is because I don't actually believe it myself. Perhaps belief precedes action, or the fulfillment of promises. This aligns with the bible, and requires a claiming of the promise in order to proceed. And so, in a written out prayer to God, Help me believe what You said is true about me. I claim it as your gift. Thank you for saying what You mean, how you feel, and for your love. Amen.

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I Missed a Week

I missed two weeks actually...

You see, in January of 2018, I set out to release a blog every week for a year. I had been doing it for about a month or two leading up to that, and so I thought I'd keep it going. I'm not one to make New Years Resolutions, but this (along with properly flattening any box I recycled) was my exception. I'm happy to report that I accomplished both goals (though I may have missed a few boxes along the way).

When 2019 rolled around, I decided to keep it going. Our move to Los Angeles had provided plenty of inspiration for writing, and so the blogs kept coming. At times I was 8-12 weeks ahead of schedule, writing blogs well before they were released, just to give me time to write more, which I always did.

Until now.

The last Memorial Day marks two weeks of missed blogs! Did you notice?! Probably not. I don't get enough readers to make much of a difference in the online world, though if you are reading this right now, I appreciate your investment. The lack of readers is probably one reason I faltered actually...another is that I just haven't had much to write about. I'm not sure why, but blog ideas haven't hit me lately, or when they do, I'm too taken by other tasks to write them, or really just don't have the time.

And so, in an effort to at least do something on a weekly basis, I'm expanding my productivity to videos. With any luck, I can release one blog or video, each week. People don't really read anyway, so maybe you'll like this more.

Here is the first one, a live recording of "Let It Go Lullaby," one of the first songs I wrote for our oldest daughter Eleanor. Enjoy!

LYRICS Eleanor Lynn, why are you crying again? Your daddy's here and he's holding you close. Go back to sleep; here is a song you can sing on the way to your dreams so, let it go. Let it go, let it go, baby girl, oh, let it go In this world you will have trouble but take heart, you should know Like the moon and the sun, days will end like they've begun What is left is love, so let it go Eleanor hon' I hope your crying is done Mommy's here and she loves you so Make no mistake, if you're asleep or awake you're a part of our hearts, so let it go Eleanor dear, there is safety here God is with us and I want you to know His name means love, and the stars up above are there for when you're scared, so let it go

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Regret

The other day my Dad sent me a picture of my future step-brother-in-law's college graduation. We went to the same school, but I missed my ceremony because I was driving back from my last semester at the Los Angeles Film Studies Center. I didn't really get too involved in my college, having gone to another one my freshman year and also being a commuter, so I didn't feel terribly connected to the school. However, seeing the picture made me ask myself, Did I regret anything about my college experience? Would I have done something differently?

I think regret can be a dangerous thing. I remember having a friend in high school tell me he never regretted a single decision he made. How he could go through life not wanting to do anything differently? Even at this young age, I felt I would have liked to have done some things over again. It has taken several years, but I am only recently understanding the wisdom in his statement.

Still, I reflected for a moment, and couldn't really think of something I would have liked to have done more -- at least enough to alter what had actually taken place in my life. I was really blessed in college, despite working for most of it and not really investing in my school. I got to study film, worked at a local television station, made a feature film with a friend of mine and ultimately ended up in Los Angeles. My school also led to me meeting my wife, which of course means I wouldn't have changed anything.

I did decide, however, that I wish I would have hung around on campus more. I spent most of my college driving to class, going to class, and then either eating/sleeping in my car or driving back home or to work. Most of my friends were from the first college I went to, so I stuck with them, which didn't make my actual college all that fun to attend. Still, take the good with the bad and learn from mistakes I guess. That's all we can really do with regret anyway, right? Learn from the mistakes and press on, a little wiser than before, but without that nagging feeling that living in the past can leave behind.

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Sleep When You're Dead

I used to say that often -- "You can sleep when you're dead." It was my "carpe diem" of sorts. I had just graduated college and came through a pretty rough summer with no job and only a couple friends in town. Towards the end I made some new ones and got a job (Blockbuster Video, every 2008 graduate's dream job), and as late night freedom came about, I adopted the saying as my own.

Now, ten years later with two kids in my life, "You can sleep when you're dead" has taken on new meaning. Lately, I'm thinking I won't be able to sleep until I'm dead...

If you read this blog, you know I've written often about the struggles of maintaining any kind of sleep schedule with young children. Of course the hope is that, as they get older, they'll sleep more. I'm finding this is only partly true. They sleep pretty well most nights, but I sure don't. In fact, I think I'm only averaging about one night a week of uninterrupted sleep. During the other six, someone is coughing so I get up to check on them, or wakes up to go potty and needs help. Last night Ellie wet the bed, which is a whole two-person ordeal to get her clean, as well as change the sheets.

Sleep when you can. (2014)

The whole thing has me just not feeling well, and I'm getting sick and tired of it (literally). I'm at a bit of an extreme version of this spectrum right now, having stayed up until 2AM last Friday for a friend's birthday karaoke party, planning on sleeping in the following morning. However, the kids got up at 6:30AM to use the bathroom, and I just couldn't go back to sleep after they woke me up. This early wake up and not being able to shut my brain off is becoming a trend, and the result is sickness and lethargy.

I can't say I have a solution to this problem, wrapping up my complaints with a life lesson like I usually try to do in this blog. This one is more about writing what I'm going through as I sit sipping coffee in a laundromat washing peed on sheets looking forward to a potential moment when I get to take a glorious nap.

Maybe that's the takeaway -- live moment to moment, just trying to make it through the current problem until you can get to the next little victory or time of rest. I can deal with that.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

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