Privilege

We recently moved to a very "urban" part of town, and I am constantly struck by how privileged I was growing up. It has been hitting me more and more, which is one of the reasons we wanted to raise our kids in the big city -- they need to see something other than middle-class white their whole lives. The process has been difficult in ways, and uncomfortable, but I think the benefits outweigh the struggle.

First, homelessness is rampant in Los Angeles. Tents are everywhere and our kids ask about them. "Are they camping in the park?" they ask. "They live there," I respond, prompting a gratefulness for our cozy apartment with a solid roof over our heads. At a recent trip to the DMV, a homeless man walked right up to the trashcan and pulled out a quarter-eaten hot dog, taking a few bites before walking away. I can't imagine that being a reality in my life, but it is to a lot of people, and we need to know that and relate to them in some way.

Second, our neighborhood is kind of dirty. I don't really like this part, and it is highly contrasted when we visit our friends that live in nicer parts of town. There, the grass is literally greener, not to mention perfectly manicured. Stay-at-home Moms walk their kids to soccer camp and pick up Starbucks for the whole family along the way, their children indulging on those stupid chocolate ice drinks that still cost $4 for some reason. Honestly, I don't blame anyone for wanting to pay more to have a clean place to live, where everything is nice and safe and contained. But I am also glad to expose my kids to something different -- not dangerous or filthy -- but just a little different. This is the reality for most folks that grow up in this city, and it's good to know what else is out there.

Who could complain with a room like this?

Apartment living in itself is an adjustment, one that has been frustrating for me probably more than the kids. We have been charged with the challenge of fitting a 1500 square-foot house into a 900 square-foot apartment. I always kind of prided our family on living minimally, but I am finding we still have a long way to go! The initial steps of moving in have been a two-week process of taking boxes out, finding a place for the stuff, often hanging shelves or moving things around to create that space, and then moving on to another box. We are almost done but still have to get rid of more to fit it all in! I guess it's good in the long run -- stuff weighs you down, right?

I could go on and on, but as I meet more and more people that grow up in this world, and as we immerse ourselves in it now, I can't help but feel so lucky to have grown up the way I did. For me, college wasn't a far-off dream, but an expectation. It would have been weird for me not to go to college -- I'm finding that isn't the case here. Leaving home to pursue dreams? Not an option with these folks; it is just get a job that helps you survive. We can afford a two-bedroom with enough space for a cool bunk bed with a slide for the girls -- a lot of families here cram four, five, six people into a one-bedroom. How lucky are we?!

You could argue that all of this is a result of decisions we have made in our lives, but even those decisions were planted by the families we were born into, and then supported by those same folks. The whole thing results in an increased attitude of gratitude, and sucks the life out of complaining. How can I complain about anything when I have so much? And in the privileged Western American world we live in, gratitude is so lacking and complaining is so rampant, that I can't help but be thankful even for the experiences we are having right now.

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How to Take Your Kids to the DMV

One of the most difficult parts of stay-at-home life is taking your kids on normal errands. Going to the grocery store or Target are big productions, as opposed to single life, when you just went when you wanted, ran in and got out before your meter ran out of time. Now it takes about 15-20 minutes just to get the kids in the car, making sure you have water, snacks and diapers. You search for that cool shopping cart that looks like a race car and has two seats for both kids, otherwise one has to walk, which is another thing to think about while shopping. You pray the whole time that no one has to go to the bathroom, because that is not only an interruption, but getting a shopping cart in the stall and keeping your youngest from playing with the toilets are no easy task...

And so you can imagine that a more difficult task, something arduous for even a single person with loads of time on his or her hands, is nearly impossible with kids. Well, recently we moved to a new state and had to go to the DMV to get our licenses. I learned some hard lessons that day, which I will generously share with you here:

A happy father at the end of a tremendous wait. Ellie took this picture, which kept her entertained while I was doing paperwork.

1. Come prepared: Bring your normal provisions -- snacks, water and diapers -- but in increased supply. Our DMV visit this day took a whopping four hours, which we were hardly prepared for. Bringing an iPad or Kindle Fire for something to watch, with some books and toys is also a necessity.
2. Pick the right DMV: This was our biggest mistake. We went to a DMV where we had had good experiences at in the past, where people were even happy sometimes. It had good reviews online and had been a pleasant place to visit, all things considered. Well, that was two-to-four years ago, and I guess in that time something has changed. As I mentioned, what I thought would take a couple hours turned into four, and this whole thing was highly avoidable thanks to the internet! In Los Angeles (and I'm sure in lots of cities nationwide), you can see live updates of DMV wait times on their website. After standing in line for an hour, we decided to take a look and realized that another location just twenty minutes up the road had a 45 minute wait posted, while ours had 2 hours 45 minutes! Why didn't we look beforehand?! I am usually not a proponent of technology, but this instance had me floored. Look ahead if you can.
3. Again, pick the right DMV: I listed this twice, not only because it is crucial, but because this particular DMV had a huge park right across the street. Given our wait time (we received number 120 when 32 was currently being served), we went across the street and played for an hour to keep the girls entertained. You may not have a lot of choices in your city, but even mid-size towns often have multiple DMVs available. Sometimes a drive across town can make all the difference, and a DMV located right next to a coffee shop can provide some much-needed relief during a long wait.
4. Make friends: The girls made friends with a girl that kept them entertained for a little while. Later, when they were starting to lose it for thinly stretched patience, talking with the folks around us made it a little better, and again kept the girls entertained. The older I get, the more I see that connecting with the people around us is the most important thing we can do, even if it is just for a quick minute at the DMV.
5. Go as a family if you can: Thankfully my wife is a teacher and off for the summer, so we were able to all go together. This enabled us to take turns with the kids while the other waited in line. If we were unable to do this, I have no idea how we would have made it! Keeping two restless children in line is difficult for twenty minutes, much less four hours! If you don't have this luxury...God help you. Maybe hire a babysitter.
6. Don't give up: As we neared the end, time seemed to slow down. Each number that passed, bringing us to our own glorious resolution crawled on slowly, like an earth worm across hot pavement. Would we make it? Would the kids make it? They were reaching their limit, acting wild and dancing around, running into walls (literal and figurative) and people -- this was as far as they could go. Then, just before our number was called, Ellie had to go to the restroom! What if they called our number while she was going?! What bad timing! Thankfully, we were together, so this wasn't a big deal, but the thought of waiting four hours and then missing my number sounded like a nightmare I would rather not experience.
7. Come prepared: This is written again because preparation included not just snacks and water, but all of our documents! A family next to us were missing some documents, and so their half-day of waiting was all for naught. Can you imagine this?! Waiting four hours only to be told you don't have what you need! Look online and figure out everything you can about what you are doing to prepare! Bring back-up documents, extra IDs, fill out forms beforehand, anything you can do to expedite the process will help both you and the fatigued DMV workers. 

At the end of it all, we left with two California licenses, thank God. And though we all may have lost some form of sanity, we made it out alive. Follow these steps, and you too may just have the same result.

The park that saved us also had a skatepark attached. Sadly, I had no board...

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How (Not) to Move Across the Country

Life is kind of funny sometimes, you know? I grew up never wanting to leave the South, thinking I would end somewhere in the Blue Ridge Mountains. But California called for school, and I was elated to check it out. I didn't like LA though, and so I came back after the semester was over, only to miss it so much that I moved back a year later. Seven years after that, we missed our family and needed help with our second child, and so we came back east, only to again long for California. That brings us to this year, where we decided to move back...again. That's five cross-country drives and three moves under our belt. Each one was in a different life circumstance, and various lessons were learned, but this most recent was a real challenge. Now, as we are settling in to our new place, I thought it would be fun to share that story here.

As you can tell, California must really want us, despite our best efforts to stay away. And since we arrived in South Carolina two years ago, we kept feeling that draw back west. We considered it, almost moved, didn't move, looked at houses in Charleston, decided if we were to buy a house that our ideal location was California, and then reconsidered the West all over again. Katie started applying for jobs and talking to her old school. In a leap of faith, she quit her job without a new one lined up. Thus the stress began, and that is tip #1 for moving with families: Try your best to have a job before you move. When we came out in 2009, we were young with no responsibilities. We each independently saved up a bunch of money, found some roommates and moved to LA with no job, living about four miles from each other. Each of us managed to survive through different odd jobs, most of which didn't last more than a year. Soon after, Katie was teaching full time and I was working at Comcast Entertainment Group (soon to be NBCUniversal). We survived just fine and eventually thrived, building an excellent community of friends in the process. It was integral to our growth as adults and I highly recommend everyone do something like that at some point in their lives.

We have too much stuff...

Back to the present...eventually, Katie got offered a job. I was working for an airline at the time, so she was able to fly across the country for interviews, which is how she happened to land the first one (she's good like that). A week later they wanted her to come out for a meeting, so she did. A week after that I flew out to look for apartments and when our first choice fell through, drove out one more time and then flew back to Charleston with a place secured. There is tip #2: Have an airline job. That's a silly thing to write, but honestly I don't know how you could move across the country without flexible flying. I have heard of jobs that will actually pay for you to move, but I don't know how to get those jobs, and so I have to conclude that without something like that, you need to be able to travel easily.

Alan helped me drive across the country and then flew back from Albuquerque. A true friend and ally.

(An aside on my fifth cross-country drive: The first three times we were lucky. No car troubles whatsoever. The worst thing that happened was on drive #3, when some wind from a storm that looked like it was going to kick up into a tornado nearly blew us off the road. Drive #4 was a disaster (detailed here). This most recent one was not as bad, but very stressful. Our tires bubbled up in Arkansas, causing us to stop early and buy two new ones. After that, the Prius felt weak going up hills in the hot July desert sun. I nearly ran out of oil in Arizona, which would have blown up my motor, and then limped my way to California on a seventeen hour marathon home stretch that had me delirious [but saved on hotel fare]. The big lesson here: Don't drive a Prius across the country, loaded with stuff. At least not one with 160,000 miles. The car still feels weak and doesn't get close the mileage it did before we left.)

This flight benefit is a double-edged sword, however, as Katie and I felt like we were playing tag with our kids. She was schedule to start work, and I was going to stay in Charleston another week or two to wrap things up. But after about a month and a half of not seeing each other, we were sick of it and decided we needed to get settled in the same place for more than four days at a time. This led us to a slightly brash decision to schedule a POD to pack our things in and leave with only a few days' notice. (An aside on the POD: After our disastrous move east that nearly claimed the life of my Subaru, we decided to fork over the extra $500-700 for the POD. It was mostly convenient, the only real problem being that it arrived five hours after scheduled, and then sat in our driveway at the new place for about ten days. Everything showed up mostly intact, making the POD the least stressful way to move thus far.)

It's remarkable how they maneuver these things.

With our stuff shipped, and Katie starting work the following Monday, we said some very sad goodbyes to friends and family and boarded a plane for the West Coast. We were welcomed by most of our old friends who happened to be having a birthday party at a park the day we arrived, which was nice. We had been able to store loads of stuff at my brother-in-law's house, which was more-than-helpful (we owe him a nice house-warming present, by the way). This all leads me to the next tip: Have allies in your new land. That sounds like a Settlers of Catan thing to say, but it is true. Without places to stay and people to pick you up from the airport, moving expenses are that much higher. Plus, friends are the salt of life in many ways, and being close to them makes life that much sweeter, er, saltier.

However, with our hasty move, I still had to go back home to work another shift at the airline, as well as sell a bunch of stuff and clean our house. Things went as smoothly as possible I suppose, but in our hurried exit, we left the house a mess, and ran out of time to sell a bunch of stuff, including my car! Thanks to my very nice family back home, we should be able to take care of most of this stuff, but in an ideal world, this is not a good way to move. And so tip #5-ish is to Not move the way we did.

Without any of our stuff, we had to improvise Tupperware.

You may be thinking to yourself, Rick is being dramatic, this move seemed pretty okay to me. Imagine the time it took to read this blog post, but then stretch it out over a month, reading only a few words a day. This move was a long, drawn out process. We started packing when Katie quit her job, but didn't move for about two months after that. We told people we were leaving, and then week after week were asked, "So when is the big move?," only to have no clear answer. After the job was secured, it took several more weeks to land a place to live, which gave us no location to send our stuff to, no address to forward to, and no place to live upon arrival! We literally got our apartment two days before we moved, and then spent over a week living on whatever we could bring in our suitcases until our POD arrived (That's one bad thing about the POD -- it takes a long time to get there when moving cross country).

Overall, things worked out, but we spent 2-3 months living in an atmosphere of the unknown, with kids who thrive on routine and certainty. And though I think God often meets us in places such as this, it is in no way ideal and should be avoided if at all possible. And so there is the summary of our summer, which I hope you read in its entirety and now feel a better sense about your own future moves. I could give loads more tips, which would make this thing too long (it already is too long!); and so if you want more info, contact me directly so we can dialogue. Until then, I'll be unpacking boxes and hanging shelves, in between trips to IKEA.

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Who Do You Represent?

Not too long ago I wrote a piece on my dad, who has inspired me in tons of ways. Well, tonight I went to work and there was a new guy. As I introduced myself, he asked what my last name was and immediately connected that he had worked with my dad for about eight years before he (semi)retired. It was a cool connection and fun to hear about my dad in his work life, which I seldom got to experience as a kid.

But as we worked, something struck me: I found myself very aware of this new guy's proximity to me, and how hard I was working when I was near him. I wanted him to think I was a good worker because he knew my dad, and my dad's reputation would inevitably transfer to me. Not that I am not a hard worker when no one is looking, but I was trying extra hard to appear engaged and focused on my tasks when this guy was around. And I don't feel like this was a bad thing to experience, honestly, but it got me thinking...who is it that you work for? Whose reputation do you carry on as you live?  Work, play, et cetera? Overall, who do you represent?

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Whatever you do, do it from the heart, as something done for the Lord and not for people (Colossians 3:23)

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If you look up that verse in its context, Paul is charging slaves to obey their masters in the same way that they would the Lord. Can you imagine a life like that? Most of us struggle to work hard when we're getting paid handsomely with vacation and sick leave. Consider how difficult it would be if we had no choice in the matter and got nothing but a place to live and some meager food?

But the charge is still there -- work as though you are working for God. And in this translation, it goes beyond work to live like you are living for God. In everything. All of you. It's like Jesus said when asked what the greatest commandment was:

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He answered, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" (Luke 10:27)

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Consider who you represent and whose reputation you carry. It is God's, and though the church often struggles with the right way to do this, I have a feeling that all-encompassing love is the best place to start.

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