Nightmares and Dreams

Lately I've been scared to go street skating. It's mostly because of my age -- ramps don't hurt my knees as much as ledges and stairs do -- but also because of ability. Any skater will tell you he or she dreams of tricks at spots all the time. In fact, if you see a skater gazing longingly out the car window as you drive, it's probably because he or she noticed a good skate spot and is thinking of what he or she would want to do there. (That's a lot of "he or she," huh? I had a tough English teacher in college, so you'll like my grammar or deal with it!)

I was walking to a kid's birthday party with my family (talk about a Dad move...kids' birthday parties have dominated our lives lately), and noticed this great ledge-to-gap in front of an apartment building. But finding the time to get there and skate it was tough, and so I was left only to my dreams. Manuals to gap, flip tricks and combinations of the two floated through my head like the clouds that grace the sky. But then the day came when I actually had a couple hours to street skate, and so it was time to try it out. As my wife loaded the girls into the car to go see their uncle, though, anxiety hit me. Was I going to be able to do what I dreamt of, or would this be another depressing session, where the reality of my age and abilities slaps me in the face like skating headfirst into a brick wall?

Thoughts of ditching out also crept in, as I considered staying home to work on some music or rest a bit. But a good Sunday afternoon in California will beckon you outside like the ice cream truck's incessantly repetitive songs, and so I went for it.

FS 360 & kickflip

It's always a little awkward street skating when people are around, and for some reason I think everyone on the block was walking their dogs exactly when I decided to skate. Still, I waited, set up the camera, and then went to work. Tricks started coming easy. My shoes suck, so they slipped a little (but that's another piece -- good and bad equipment and its effect on your skating), but it was going well; a little better than I expected, to be honest.

As the smell of dog poop wafted through the warm afternoon air, I landed a frontside 180. The 360 felt natural, but I went for a few other things first, thinking maybe that was too difficult for the circumstances, as there were a row of cars parked only a few feet away from my landing -- a wayward board could cause some serious damage that I didn't want to pay for. But as I tried tricks, the 360 just felt natural, so I focused on it. And you know what? I landed it...sort of. I broke my board on the landing, but I did roll away, so that probably counts, right?

Memorial for a broken board.

With only a few cracks in the deck, I decided to go for a kickflip until the board snapped in two, which I also landed...sort of. My balance was off and the board flew away and into a car. Thankfully, it didn't leave a mark, so my conscious is clear. That was my cue to leave though, so I waved goodbye to the kids watching me from their apartment balcony, and walked to another spot, where I tried a cool little handplant wallride a few times until my board actually did snap.

The whole thing left me feeling pretty good, all things considered. I mostly landed two tricks I'm proud of, got some good falls on video, and broke a board, which I have been long overdue for. (I used to go through a deck every few months, but this one has been around for a couple years...shame on me.) So here's to broken boards and partially landed tricks! And the next time you are scared of your inadequacy, or that your dreams are too big for your body, remember that there is a 33 year-old out there skateboarding in places he shouldn't be, and maybe landing something worth sharing. But in success or failure, he at least has a smile on his face.

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Embrace the Tangent 2

I had some more thoughts on my Embrace the Tangent post. This idea of starting a bunch of things but never finishing anything isn't a great way to live, let's be honest. Sometimes we have days like that, and the post was about giving yourself grace in that. But in the long run, it's obviously not going to lead to a productive life. A little focus is crucial, as well as a healthy does of planning (which I am inherently adverse to). This idea applies especially to creative pursuits, which is counter to just about everything creative people are inclined towards.

Finishing things is difficult, right? I'd love to know the number of novels that are started every year, compared the number that are completed. Thankfully, this was a lesson I learned pretty early on in my writing "career." I would start a screenplay, outlining and maybe even writing some pages; but then get excited about a new idea and start that, fully intending to just jot some ideas down and then go back to the first one. Well, what do you think happens? In the midst of idea #2, you get a third idea and start that one. One thing leads to another and now you have about fifteen ideas started...and nothing finished.

I'm guilty of it, but when I started seeing it in my friends who were writing too, I wisened up a little. I started finishing what I started, no matter what was going on or how stuck I became. Sometimes this lead to breaking through brick wall writers blocks, way too many pages of useless material and even some invested time into an idea that maybe wasn't my best. But as I tell my kids, "Bickerstaffs are finishers," and I intended to fulfill that ideal (and still do).

Writing this blog is really just a reminder that sometimes life throws you random obstacles that you need to roll with, but other times a diligent decision needs to be made and stuck to -- dodge the obstacle or outright block it. Setting priorities should help determine what action should be chosen in each scenario. But again, give yourself grace when you fail.

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Embrace the Tangent

Have you ever had a day where you just can't get it together? Or even maybe just an hour that flies by because you were busy, but you aren't quite sure what you accomplished?

As I'm writing this, I am on the tail end of starting a load of laundry, putting away some of the dishes, dressing Waverly, making coffee, taking the coffee grounds outside to add to a sort-of compost, refilling the coffee bin that we use with new coffee, turning on the TV for Waverly so I can do some chores, taking out the recycling, and then remembering I never finished putting away the dishes so that I could clean new ones in the first place. One thing leads to another and before you know it, you've started about ten things and finished zero. Now I'm writing a blog, which I have to put down so I can complete at least some of those tasks. Standby...

Okay, that's better.

Speaking of not finishing things, I actually started this blog about four months ago while encountering the same issue with the kids. I danced about from task to task, not quite completing anything, which all culminated in having to glue the tail back on this PAW Patrol figure (it didn't stick, by the way).

Poor Chase...

Oh, I left the door open in anticipation of taking out the recycling, which I forgot to do. Hold on...

And...in that process of all that, I finished putting away the dishes, had to use the bathroom, remembered I never brushed my teeth today (don't worry, it's still morning), started a new cycle of laundry, switched the TV for Waverly and finished folding some towels I had left on the floor. Seriously, am I trying to do too much?

Anyway, the idea I had while glueing Chase's tail back on, was to embrace the tangent. Instead of getting frustrated about a crazy hour or day or week or year...maybe there are times we just need to laugh and press on. We'll finish something eventually...right? Of course, if this goes too far, we need to enforce some boundaries on rest, but that's another blog post.

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The Most Frustrating Thing

Parenting is inherently frustrating, right? Well, I think I may have found the most frustrating thing, in case you were wondering what it is. The most frustrating to me at least (because everyone is different). I have noticed lately that my fuse becomes amazingly short, I mean clipped to the end, when I am trying to accomplish something and my kids keep interrupting. Maybe you can relate.

Before stay-at-home parenthood was my routine, I remember watching a video of a couple of moms complaining that they never got anything done. Not even that they just never finished anything they wanted to, but making fun of the idea that it was even possible. I noted the commentary, but thought to myself, Yeah, but surely I can finish something, right? I'm a pretty smart guy; pretty resourceful... But I set my ambitions low. I remember my first day on the job, actually, where my only goal outside of keeping Ellie alive was to do the dishes. That's it. (And I'm pretty sure I succeeded.)

An actual picture of my first stay-at-home dad extra curricular task. (2014)

After a few months of being the primary caregiver, I remember telling friends that you could get about one or two things done per day, as in cleaning the floors or cooking a meal, answering emails or writing a blog. Outside of those meager tasks, your day would be consumed by keeping your child(ren) alive. But as they get older and the more independent they become, you start to get ambitious. Now, as I find both children often playing independently or together, I think things may have gotten out of hand...

I'll be editing a video or working on a song, maybe even fixing something or hanging shelves. "Daddy, daddy, daddy, the lights aren't working in our clubhouse." "Waverly is throwing all my pictures down on the floor." "Ellie is standing on the table." This is the soundtrack of my day, and when I am in the middle of something, it might as well be fingernails on a chalkboard.

So how do I combat this? Don't try anything? Yeah right...but seriously, maybe I'm trying to do too much?

Here is song about a life out of balance.

Sometimes I get to the end of my day and do a quick recap of what I did with the girls. There are days when I hardly played with them at all, but set them, or let them set themselves, on some task and then go work on my own thing. Make a meal and then go work. Turn on the TV and then go work. Enforce "rest time" and then go work. Is this right, though?

I know what your'e thinking: You have a life too, Rick. You have pursuits and passions, and you have a right to explore them. Maybe so. I mean, that's what this whole blog is about, in a way. But it all has to stay in balance, right? If I find myself getting frustrated because my kids -- the number one priority in my day -- are bothering me, perhaps my priorities need a shift. I do draw life and energy from creating, writing blogs and books and music, and sometimes my work actually pays the bills (or a portion thereof); but my first role of the day is Dad. And when I neglect that role for something more selfish, it's no wonder I get frustrated -- I'm not doing what I am here to do, and frankly that's not right.

So if you are overly ambitious, as I tend to be, prioritize your life and see if things are getting out of order. It might be this lack of balance, rather than a lack of time or energy, that is your most frustrating thing.

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Money

Sometimes I write to work things out. Maybe that's obvious if you regularly read this blog, but I thought I'd state that because I'm about to get into some deep thoughts about money.

I go back and forth about how I feel about money. I'm not really sure how to feel about it, honestly. It runs the world really, especially this country. It dominates a huge portion of our lives, our thinking. Most of us want more, for various reasons: fun, leisure, stuff, travel, generosity. I can't blame anyone for that. But money also is the cause of a huge number of problems in the world -- or the love of money rather. Still, greed is corrupting our nation from the top down, and we see it everyday.
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But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.  

But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. (1 Timothy 6:6-11)

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It's not all bad though, right? People do good things using money: give to charities, take care of relatives, pay for education, buy people houses, feed the poor. Jesus even said to "use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings." What on earth does that mean?! And this is from the same guy who told a rich person to sell everything, give it away and follow him.
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I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings.

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own?

No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. (Luke 16:9-13)

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So what should our response to all this be? I'm not sure. I'm inclined to take the advice from that passage in 1 Timothy and learn contentment; not pursuing too much extraneous gain in this life. But is that because I really believe it, or because I don't know how to make money? I've never really made a lot at any job. I'm not sure how to, honestly. A friend of mine and I have had several conversations about knowing what you are worth, which is especially valuable in an industry like media, where so many jobs are freelance. Truthfully, I don't even know what I'm worth, never have.

I told that same statement to a different friend -- one who falls a little closer to my opinions on the money spectrum -- and he was appalled at the question. "What kind of person are you, your character; what you are doing for the world? Those are better questions." And I agree. But when I see friends -- friends who are following Christ -- making good investments, pursuing lucrative careers, taking steps towards a richer financial futures; I can't help but compare.

My last demo reel (2017). You tell me what it's worth!

I love creating, and derive great joy from its process, as well as seeing that others are positively affected by what I make -- but it rarely makes me a dime. In a world where financial gain is the barometer for success, where does that concept fit in? And it's not like I don't want to make a living writing songs or blogs or books -- I'm trying -- but sometimes I put hours into making something I know won't be a money-maker. So where is the balance between making something worthwhile because it is financially beneficial, and something that is worthwhile because it brings me and/or someone else joy? Or peace, laughter, inspiration, hope? Or maybe just because it's fun? And how come when I don't make money doing those things, I feel like I'm wasting my time, or that I'm not to be taken seriously as a creator? Is the system broken, or am I just off course?

Every once in a while I write a blog that ends with a bunch of questions and no conclusions. This whole ideology on money has been, and still is, a progression for me. I long to invest in work that is meaningful, but also lucrative. I don't worry about whether or not my family will be taken care of, but I want to be intelligent with what I've been given. Wherever the line between those two pendulum swings is, I am still searching...

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